“I would rather die than run for exercise”

Yep — that was me, circa early 2021. I barely exercised at the time, let alone even considered going for a run. It’s too hot. It’s bad for your joints. I don’t even have running shoes! The list goes on.

Growing up I considered myself athletic. I tried almost every sport at some point - softball, soccer, gymnastics, tennis, basketball, track. You name it. But going into college, sports kind of faded into the background. It was something I did when I was younger. Now I was in a new city with new friends. And worst of all? We were film students. Film students don’t play sports. The peak of my athletic ability in college was running a 5k sponsored by the school. I did it to spend time with a guy I liked but it’d been years since I’d run. All I remember from that race was being out of breath and having to walk - less than a mile in.

Things started to change for me once I found climbing. Post-college, I finally settled into a job, an apartment, a relationship. I had time on my hands. I started climbing regularly and found joy in moving my body again. I liked what the consistency was doing for my body. I liked slowly seeing progress. And I liked having an activity I could do with my sister.

Unlike me at the time, my sister liked running. She’d go out with my parents when we both lived at home while I lay in bed scrolling through Tumblr. In college, she got her friends to start running with her while my friends and I would go see La La Land in theaters for the sixth time. Even after college when we started living together again, nothing could convince me to join her on a run. Until things changed and she started struggling with anxiety again.

I’d known a little about her struggles in college, but I hadn’t seen it up close. For maybe the first time in our lives, I couldn’t relate to her. So when it started happening again, I felt a responsibility to do something. I wasn’t sure what but I couldn’t do nothing. Some mornings, she didn’t want to get out of bed. And as much as I’m not a morning person, I saw an opportunity: Let’s go for a walk. Something light, just to get moving and see the sun.

We did that for a few weeks and even though it was a challenging time, I have fond memories from those walks. Somewhere along the way, I started joining her on a few runs. Not for me — for her. It was something constant in her life, and I wanted to help her hold onto that.

Over the next year or so, I’d still mostly walk. Sometimes run. But around mid-2022, both of us were going through breakups. Our first long-term relationships, both ending. Honestly, I still don’t know which one was more traumatic. I started therapy. I started trying to build a better relationship with myself. And I finally started taking running more seriously. I signed up to do a Jingle Bell 5k with Juliann and Jordan and knew I would have to train for it if I wanted it to go any better than my college 5k.

I slowly built up to a mile, then 2, then eventually 3. I still wasn’t over the moon about running. But it was helping my climbing and overall fitness and I was having fun training with my friends. At the same time, I started focusing a lot on myself. Although hard to admit, I had been in a toxic relationship leading up to this point and I didn’t even really like myself.

And then just like that, disaster struck. January 15, 2023. One bad climbing fall later and I tore my ACL, meniscus, and fractured my tibia. No more climbing. No more running. Hell, I couldn’t even walk. 2023 was the most transformative year of my life so far. I was non weight bearing and essentially bed ridden for 8 weeks straight. Then I had to learn how to walk again. It was the year that changed my perspective in a lot of ways. From previously thinking I was undeserving of a lot of things, I was now receiving the most love and attention from my friends and family and all I could be was grateful. I also missed running. Like really missed running. It’s that crazy thing in your brain where you don’t know how good you have it until it’s gone.

After about 8 months of recovery and PT, I was able to try running again. But I had to go slow. And I mean painfully slow. I couldn’t run a mile but that was ok. I could be outside, getting some movement in, no crutches, no cane! I still wasn’t climbing again, but during this time, running kept me mentally sane. It’s such a privilege to be able to run. And better yet, I was running because I wanted to run.

At the end of 2023, I started training with Juliann for her first half marathon. Even as I stood on the sidelines with COVID, I was so proud of her and how far she’d come. It inspired me to sign up for the same half marathon the following year.

Training with two of my closest friends became one of the most fun and healing experiences I’ve had. Running was able to bring us together and empower each of us in our own ways. So no, I didn’t die. I ran. And somewhere along the way, I became someone who actually enjoys it.